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Questions the government can answer
If you’ve been alive for over 40 years, you may have thought you had flashed back to the early 1970s, Richard Nixon scandal machine in the last few weeks. The government has gotten in trouble for the IRS targeting conservative groups; investigating journalists; searching journalist notebooks; Benghazi; and other long term problems like Fast and Furious. We won’t even talk about proposed restrictions on fighting terrorism.

One can only imagine how bad it would be if TV comedians and the rest of the media would latch onto these stories like they did back in Nixon’s day. Maybe then we could get some answers or Change out of the Obama Administration.

But after serious deliberations (one cup of coffee), the Soapbox staff has another idea. Maybe the government needs to get involved in other issues that might actually benefit citizens (okay, mostly me).

Here’s our list:

•Tailgating drivers. Maybe an investigation could be launched into the alarming number of drivers who run up right behind you on four-lane highways, tailgate you (even at speeds, uh, slightly over the posted limits) for miles, pass when you move over, then cut right back in front of you and drop their speed to three miles less than you were driving.

•Getting tough on the environment. No, this doesn’t mean making more restrictive environmental laws. This means fighting back against the environment. Think we should be friendly with nature? Ha! Where have you been? Pollen is evil, and trees might pretend to be nice, but they are slinging the yellow stuff that makes us cough, sneeze, gag, and covers our cars in yellow. Even the bees can’t keep up.

•Goat research. I’d like an investigation as to why I get shocked by electric fences more than my goats do. How do they know when the second a fence is out? My friend and livestock guru friend Carvel Cheves of Bunn says they can smell it. Of course, the biggest laugh I’ve ever heard from him was when he saw me get shocked recently. I felt it in my teeth.

•Cell phone mind control. Everyone jokes that people keep their heads buried in cellphones, constantly text, can’t resist the power of the phone. So, who is behind this? The Chinese? The Russians? Aliens from space? Who is it that has finally figured out a working method of mind control? And how did they figure out to go after the young people?

•Conspiracy theorists: I think people who think the government or the Chinese are always trying to do things we don’t like should be left alone. And stay away from our, I mean, their storage rooms full of evidence.

•Environmentalist smokers: This is a category of strangeness I never knew about until I went to graduate school. These folks will scream at you, call you really ugly names and go on a profanity-laced tirade if they see you throw a plastic bottle in a trashcan, even if no recycling bin is available. They will rant about the destruction of the environment by people like you (me) for not recycling. Then, they will immediately hustle outside and do their parts to burn a hole in the ozone with cigarette smoke.

•Coca-Cola in glass bottles. Okay, so maybe the government doesn’t need to get involved, but why does Coca-Cola taste so good in a glass bottle? Especially when it is ice cold?

•Rethink the audit system. I know farmers and small businesspeople that have micro-businesses and get audited. But for some reason, it seems that those who neglect to obtain privilege licenses, remit sales tax, declare income, or giant companies who overcharge, mistreat and beat down customers hardly ever have problems. Some would say those giant companies contribute a ton of money to both political parties, and that is the reason. It is probably just a coincidence.

Of course, an easy solution would be to simplify the tax code and make it more fair with fewer loopholes, do away with the IRS and come up with a replacement tax collection agency. But then that makes way too much sense. Also, should anyone from the IRS read this, remember it is supposed to be a joke. Just a joke. [Insert Congress or White House joke here]

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